july 21st, 2008, 12:51 pm

protect, embrace, engulf
remember the summer in abaddon

protect, enslave, in love
remember the summer in abaddonpinback, afk

i will try to save this summer from destruction. it's a constant battle.

in an effort to pull back this journal from complete obfuscation, i'll write about my plans for the rest of the summer (all six weeks!). i have one painting to finish that has been sitting around for a while. i want to finish editing my hand-written journal. i want to organize all of my stuff and get it up on s3. then i want to get a photo album on this website. and finally, i'll hopefully finish up ttf version one.

continual goals, as always, include doing some painting, photography, reading, writing, and listening to new music. of course, i'm also working on my thesis this summer, which consumes more time than any other project.

i should probably plan a big trip before classes begin, but i don't know where to go. worse, i don't feel like i deserve a trip. what have i done with this summer in ruin?

june 21st, 2008, 12:49 pm

i was convinced that we'll be fine under a jet-streaked sky. whether we have happiness and hope or anger or sadness, we'll fight for our vision. and we can attain it.

i'll play music to help me reinforce this emotion. i might still envy the wind or the silent mountains. for them, the decision is simple—either they move or sit still.

june 18th, 2008, 3:20 pm

i have concluded that everything is a trap.

earlier today, i thought that i was going to gouge my eyeballs out.

now i'm seeing more than ever! unfortunately, the knowledge and emotions are distressing. smothering. suffocating.

A summer calm laid its soothing hand over everything, like death.plath, the bell jar, 113

so i go to sleep. and i wake up. and everything is the same.

may 25th, 2008, 10:33 pm

one's not half two.   It's two are halves of one:
which halves reintegrating,shall occur
no death and any quantity;but than
all numerable mosts the actual more

minds ignorant of stern miraculous
this every truth—beware of heartless them
(given the scalpel,they dissect a kiss;
or,sold the reason,they undream a dream)

one is the song which fiends and angels sing:
all murdering lies by mortals told make two.
Let liars wilt,repaying life they're loaned;
we(by a gift called dying born)must grow

deep in dark least ourselves remembering
love only rides his year.
                                      All lose,whole finde e cummings, 1 x 1, xvi

may 22nd, 2008, 7:17 pm

And then I wondered if as soon as he came to love me I would find fault after fault, the way I did with Buddy Willard and the boys before him.

The same thing happened over and over:

I would catch sight of some flawless man off in the distance, but as soon as he moved closer I immediately saw he wouldn't do at all.

That's one of the reasons I never wanted to get married. The last thing I wanted was infinite security and to be the place an arrow shoots off from. I wanted change and excitement and to shoot off in all directions myself, like colored arrows from a Fourth of July rocket.plath, the bell jar, 83

As I stared down at Constantin the way you stare down at a bright, unattainable pebble at the bottom of a deep well, his eyelids lifted and he looked through me, and his eyes were full of love. I watched dumbly as a shutter of recognition clicked across the blur of tenderness and the wide pupils went glossy and depthless as patent leather.plath, the bell jar, 85